When you have sex with someone, you usually want them to enjoy it, as well as getting pleasure yourself. (And if that isn’t the case, then you probably need to ask yourself what your motivations are and maybe think again about what you’re doing.)
But how do you know what someone else likes or wants or thinks-they-might-like-to-try? How can you be sure that, when you’re having sex, the other person is happy and having fun, that they’re not silently having a terrible time?
It’s completely normal to be nervous about getting it right, to worry about doing something wrong, and especially when you are new to sex, or with a new partner.
There are many guides and tips out there that claim to be “the” way to be a “good” sexual partner, magic tips that are supposed to be guaranteed bring someone to orgasm in moments.
The reality is that there is no magic technique that works on everyone. And that makes sense because, after all, we are all different people, with different bodies.
By far the best advice we think there is on this topic is to communicate with the other person. Find out what they enjoy and what they don’t. And be honest and open about what feels good to you.
It isn’t always easy to do that without being self-conscious – it means revealing the most intimate possible things about yourself. But that also means that, by doing so, you are giving a something real, something genuinely precious to the person you are with, and you can feel really good about doing that.
It takes bravery to put yourself out there, but if you are with someone who respects and cares about you, then they will appreciate this gift. And if you they don’t, you probably want to ask yourself whether you really want them touching your body in an intimate way.
If you can find a way to tell each other what turns you on (and what doesn’t) then the sex you have together can only get better. If you find it hard to actually say the words, then text each other, or write little notes, or anything else that gets you understanding each other.
One other thing you can do is to make sure you get to know your own body. Try touching yourself and seeing what feels good to you – investigate, experiment, try things out. This “sex with yourself” is called masturbation.
There’s no need to be scared or ashamed – it’s your body, and the more you know about how it works, the better you will be able to guide someone else who is trying to make you feel good.